Silhouette

"Walls" (Live) Rae Morris

Orange light streaks across the onyx black of my phone, catching glimpses of the train station names as we pass through at a steady pace. She takes off her blue cardigan as we shake, rattle and roll. Her thin bare shoulders reveal a constellation of freckles on delicate skin. Sharing headphones I hear more than half of her song, Let's Go Crazy, Sorrow and watching stuttering videos of Troll as we slide past Taplow. Tonight soft young fingers plucked string, stroked ivory as shivers filled my spine and tears fill her eyes. Their endeavours rewarded by unbridled admiration as the lyrics resonate against the high ceilings. We plan to put them both in our pockets, steal them for us and move to the seaside. Capturing the dandelion silhouette of her mane drawn over a mountainous wall of colour will have to suffice for now. We sing Disney songs between swigs of luke warm Earl Grey on a cold bench as we wait for our train; the last train home. Sniggering at the memory of jigging and joining elbows in the courtyard as country and western music echoed from below street level. We were called to another place far away from here but the night will never finish at The Worlds' End. Leather adorns the places not covered by tattoos and metal as they stagger with surprising ease out of view. High legged chairs behind our past, our present and our futures laid bare on the table between two wines glasses, a candle and a beer mat.

Rules (new)

Wine spills on the felt bag
filled with tiny square tiles
Chancing luck and sobriety
Our knuckles unknowingly brush
with hope against perfect pieces

Without needing to see
We battle for control of cities
Place tiny people sideways
holding their own
Squeezed between roads
never ending undulations

Forgetting our old rules
Begin a new game with new players
We agree to rules we will never read
Scoring without care
Clicking for cloisters

Accepting that spaces may appear where no other tile will fit
Fighting battles
Enjoying the spoils of war
Double or quits

Next year's sun

The phone in my hands trembled slightly (despite the three pints of what I thought was called "Good Old Ron" but was actually called "Good Old Boy") as I read one of my poems in public for the first time on Friday night. Choosing "Rubik" (which became "Rubiks' Cube" as the nerves hit me on stage) felt good as it was an old-ish poem that talks of past difficulties between two people. Although I missed it as I rushed off the stage as quickly as I possibly could; I was told in the pub afterwards that there was a collective "oooooo" from the audience at the end of my reading. (This may have been them registering their disgust at my besmirching of their memories of a beloved childhood toy; however this is unlikely as most of them are sixty plus...) Despite the fear and thousand butterflies that danced vigourously in my stomach, I'll do it again. Next time I won't stay out so late afterwards... No hangover could ruin yesterday's saunter to Sonning; on what must've been the last pleasant day of the year. 

I said that I'd get back to writing more frequently and I've done so. Having a clear mind is helping with the inspiration. It's been mentioned in the dispatches of my head that reflecting on life with today's drizzle hasn't be too helpful... November is going to throw in two weeks of sunshine alongside a lot of time being horizontal; that's got to be helpful, surely?

Goodbye old England, until next year's sun...

(Eight legged) companion

A spider lives in my wing mirror

I've never seen him yet everyday he leaves 

silken traces that I dare not disturb 

as his homely reflections 

delicately waft in the slipstream

I travel with my elusive 

companion weaving his tangled web 

occasionally funnelling towards 

dazzling indicators

as my ticket to freedom 

remains his home

Regular journeys turning into irregular choices

by blue messages appearing on 

glass nestled between my thighs

connecting then missing a turn

The distances grown

stretch black tarmac 

thinner than chewing gum 

beneath two bands of rubber

Millions of seconds sat on blue weave 

heading towards a lifetime of firsts

a neutral third rings out changing 

down from fifth missing a perfect fourth

I swerve over a fidgeting balloon 

in the middle of the carriageway

which to my surprise survives

Seventy thousand miles travelled 

without ever knowing my stowaway

and should we ever meet

I will ask how the road looks 

going backwards

Walking home from Reading last night, I had the unfortunate pleasure of being mugged for my phone. To add injury to insult; I ended up with a massive gash on the back of my head and a concussion. Had I put up a fight over a stupid phone; I wouldn't expect any sympathy, but I didn't.. I wish I could remember exactly what happened, but I can't as I blacked out and can't remember anything that happened either side of the event. I'm not particularly bothered about my head; it's my phone that I'm irritated about. If someone's desparate enough to walk up to someone and steal their phone; there's nothing much you can do about it.

Will write more when I'm feeling slightly more with it.

UPDATE - How interesting technology is... The "FindMyiPhone" app e-mailed me a few hours ago to tell me that it'd located my phone in the grottiest grot-hole in Reading. Just spoke to the Police who are going to send Officers over to the address and have a look. Fingers cross they catch the little fucker sweetheart. In other news; my concussion is better and I'm in better spirits all round. Getting out of the house for dinner last night and just sitting watching the TV in peace and quiet with someone was just the ticket.

(It's strange but one of the songs I've been listening to recently (Diversity by Family of the Year) was written following the lead singer getting mugged. Is this coincidental or ironic?)

Rubik

Twisted broken wrists,
manipulation and
taking ever changing sides.
Unfinished faces split
the light six colours to the wind.
Frustration and desire
breed inherent admiration.
Two squares on opposite ends,
unable to find the other.
Forever losing the game.

Timing

Good morning interweb. How does the world look from where you're sitting? The sky is turquoise interspersed with haziness; which also happens to be a good summary of how I feel.

Last night was the first evening for a week and a half that I spent alone. Some solitude was most appreciated, despite the lovely times I've been having. For the first time in about two years, it felt weird being back alone in my flat, however, it's lovely to not have my squeaky lodger here for the next week. Huzzah.

I made contact with my old lodger (and good friend) who I had completely neglected over the past six months for one reason or another. My apology was graciously received despite her disappointment and it was humbling to hear her say how much she'd missed me. I look forward to seeing her in a few weekends time for some nonsense up town with my freckled meatball chum.

Yesterday was a sad day at work. A client who had given me my most emotionally memorable moment of my professional career sadly found out that their nineteen year old son died in a car crash early in the morning. The grief resonated throughout the office in the afternoon when we learnt of the news. Constantly I remind the team of "professional boundaries" (and I'm constantly reminded by someone!); but it's incredibly difficult to separate yourself from such overwhelmingly sad news. We can't change what's happened, but we can be there to listen.

Looking through my e-mails and checking my calendar last night reminded me that I'm going to see Rae Morris in a few weeks time. It'll be good to get to know a singer with someone; you share their music and their journey simultaneously. Pleasingly I had also forgot how attractive she is.. She's shot straight to the top of my list.

This song has been played a few times over the past twelve hours and has already become a firm favourite -

Had I heard this at any point throughout August (which I'm planning on getting erased from my memory in a Men In Black or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind fashion); I might have interpreted it completely differently. It probably would have been a tale of unrequited hope, desperation and sorrow sung to somebody. Hearing it for the first time yesterday however, it became a deeply honest sermon sung to yourself about the paths we take and the hope that we can find inside ourselves.

My blog seems to consist of minor reflections on what's been going on in my day-to-day life and music videos, which wasn't what I originally intended it to be. I've been neglecting writing anything and my wood carving project also died a timely death a fortnight ago. Need to get back on track.

The weather better hold out this weekend. Golf, film, flight booking, a walk and the pub. I hope you all have a good one.

Shaken

"In a gentle way, you can shake the world." Gandhi.

I turned down the job. It sounded great and the money was good. What I need now though is tenacity and commitment, not change. Running from the life I have to an imagined reality is not healthy. I'm content with what I have as I have a lot. There's nothing lacking and life is good. The act of looking away from what I already have is merely a distraction.

Conceptual hippy bullshit? Yup. It works for me.

Listening to this a lot this week -

Indian summer

in·di·an sum·mer

Noun:

1. A period of unusually dry, warm weather occurring in late autumn.

2. A period of happiness or success occurring late in life.

Check out these guys, if you like the sound of some summery folk.. Particularly this little ditty -

Oh. And these guys are also well worth a listen. Roll down your windows and let the sounds wash over..

Thus far, this has been an awesome weekend. *Smiley face*. We're off to Oxford to punt along the Thames shortly. I'll try not to fall in.

Etesian wind rippled water
Trailing below soft waking waves
Nodding gently against shoreline

debris
                                                     flotsam
                                                              jetsam

Prising apart oars
Thudding thud thudding tones
Relaying dull echoes

pitching
                                     rolling
                  yawing

Pandora's compass balanced
aside maps
Blindly leading beyond
her ever knowing nowhere

Anthem

Since Saturday night, I have mostly listened to this -

Today, I have the day off to go to an interview. The job itself sounds great; more money, less hassle dealing with clients, a (MUCH) bigger organisation (e.g. more chance for progression) and a car allowance. Sounds peachy; eh? Well, it would be if it wasn't that it was in a totally alien location and I'd be leaving a job and an organisation which echo the values (which have taken a battering of late) that I hold close. Additionally, the past two weeks has shown me how many (new and old) friends I have in Reading and in particular an incredible new someone who has been going through the same turmoil as me. The opportunity for experiencing an interview for such a position is something that I can't turn down regardless of whether I actually want the job or not. So, I'm going today to meet some new people and be satisfied with the experience regardless of what happens.

UPDATE - Wow. That went well. I've not laughed so much in an interview before! It was friendly without being over-familiar and they didn't ask the types of questions that I expected.. Thought provoking and gave some insight into how the organisation wants to be seen. It pleased me to hear about how they would like to provide support for those with substance misuse, alcohol, mental health and offending issues; which sits well with those values I'd miss at my current job. However, the real surprise was that the area that the role covers will be everything south of Derbyshire... (Ha!) So, lot of the time will be spent travelling. I wait to see how it unfolds.

Failure

Reading this (amongst other things) has helped me with some insight into the way in which we all deal with failure. I have taken some solice in this from reflecting back on my own failures and the failures of others in my life.

Be kind but remain honest and if you are angry with yourself or someone else; listen to the message that they're trying to give you as it might not be immediately obvious. They might be scared, they might be disappointed, they might be lonely or they might not understand your thoughts or fears. And in the same breath; you might not understand your own thoughts or feelings.

You can't fix everyone's problems or failures and you might not even be able to fix your own. If you can listen to them, accept them and be at peace with them; you're doing well.

Hope

'Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul.
And sings the tune
Without the words,
and never stops at all.'
Emily Dickinson

Quote

'It is never too late to be what you might have been.'
George Eliot (Mary Anne Evans).

Heartbroken

(Jessie Ware - Wildest Moments)

When the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a speeding train and you can't get out of the way in time. When you step in a puddle and fall in over your head. When an invisible wire cuts you in half as you cycle down the road. When happiness suddenly seems like mist. When you thought that there was still a tiny chance that you could make it work and it doesn't. When you've looked at your heart, soul and mind to find all of your failures and you've tried to put them right. When you realise you can only change yourself. When everything around you reminds you of that person. When all you long for is to be forgiven and they can't find it in their heart. When they still love you and you still love them. When that's not enough.

If you are sitting reading this and you've experienced true, unrefined pain from a break up with someone who you truly love; you may comprehend how I'm feeling at this moment.